The Power of Silence

Never miss a good chance to shut up

I met a young lady at The Vault who practices hypnosis. She doesn’t call it that, but an eyes-closed guided visualization breathing exercise is hypnosis by any other name. As an ex-watch swinger, I offered a simple suggestion. Silence.

Run Silent, Run Deep

No, she didn’t greet my suggestion with silence. I suggested she add silence to her breathing technique.

If you get someone to sit or lie still and close their eyes, their mind keeps working at their entry level pace. Instruct them to relax their breathing – especially in a soothing voice – and their mental process begins to slow down.

Not everyone will chill mentally (i.e., enter a trance state), and not everyone who does so will do so to any great depth.

Silence is the key to deepening a trance. It stops people thinking about the process – because there isn’t any.

After a minute or two without external stimulus, their train of thought runs out of steam. Given enough time, their mind wanders off.

When the practitioner comes back in, their mind is significantly quieter. They’re listening on a different level.

This is also true outside of hypnosis.

Silence vs. Programming

(courtesy orlandosentinel.com)

When you’re engaged in conversation, you have a subconscious template, a “script” for how to interact with people. Specific types of people.

Anyone who’s returned to their parents from college age onwards knows how it goes. You can’t help it; you automatically slip into “child” mode.

The same thing happens when you’re communicating with authority figures, romantic partners, waitresses, friends, strangers, etc.

Your conversational pace, word choice, body language, emotional responses – it all goes according to a well-established pattern…

You Have the Opportunity to Remain Silent

The end result: conversations are like a tennis match where both players volley endlessly, regardless of the score, often without resolution or progress.

There’s a better way to play.

tango.com’s 14 Psychological Tricks Smart People Use To Gain Control In Any Situation gets it. Number one on their list: “When someone partially answers your question, stay silent.”

So close! Remove the word “partially.”

As a journalist, I learned that interviewees have a “pat” answer to a probing question. If you let them deliver their spiel, then remain silent, nine times out of ten they’ll keep talking.

What comes out of their mouth then may not be the truth, but it’s different from their pre-prepared statement.

The same is true for, well, anyone. It’s amazing how desperate most people are to fill a conversational silence. Don’t. Because…

Own the silence and you own the conversation

Tango’s Francesca Duarte (above) returns to the power of silence for “psychological trick” number seven: “Wait in silence after stating your position in a negotiation.”

The J School grad’s counseling people to “Avoid over-explaining yourself or using too many words, as it may cause your position to lose its value.”

The better “trick”: let someone state their position/objection/refusal and then… shut-up. Maybe even nod and squint with furious concentration.

Not only does the silence stimulate new info (as above), it indicates you’re giving their opinion serious weight. Who doesn’t want to be taken seriously?

After the silence, a simple statement like “explain that to me” – followed by attentive listening – adds additional oomph to the technique.

STFU FTW

Growing up, authority figures forced us to remain silent. Many of us interpreted that as No one’s listening to me! We equate silence with invisibility and powerlessness.

That needs to go.

When an interaction seems difficult or unproductive, try silence. If it doesn’t disrupt the tennis match template to your advantage, console yourself with the fact that you didn’t say something you’ll regret.

And if silence doesn’t come easy, there is an answer! Number 8: “Chew gum while doing stressful activities.” Either that or take a deep breath and… relax.