Once in A Lifetime Fitness
Arrrrgghhh!
I recently returned to the gym. After six straight days of working out, I’m fit to be tied. What a strange expression. Does a Dominatrix look at a client and say “Sorry love. You’re not fit to be tied.”
I wouldn’t be surprised. Struggling against restraints while sexually aroused has got to put a strain on a man’s heart. Running the risk of a heart attack. An eventuality that could ruin a Dominatrix’s rep. Or increase it, I guess.
Question: does Progressive insure professional BDSM providers against client coronaries? They insure personal fitness trainers, who are also paid to put a strain on a man’s heart, if you think about it.
I try not to. I also try not to think about the batches of Lulu Lemons working out at my local Lifetime. It’s almost as challenging as trying not to think of a pink elephant when someone tells you not to think of a pink elephant. While watching Dumbo’s hallucination sequence.
I know the answer is “not born yet,” but where were these supernaturally fit women when I was in my prime? (My younger days, not shopping at Amazon.) It wasn’t always like this.
Back in the Day…
Weight-lifting gyms used to be the sole purview of 99-pound weaklings who had sand kicked in their face. Fitness-seeking women need not apply. Which is why they became phenomenally fonda Fonda.
Jane Fonda, the actress who somehow avoided career consequences for yukking it up with North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gunners tasked with shooting down American flyboys.
“Hanoi Jane” – as she eventually wasn’t called – made a workout tape that sold 17m copies. But even the women who wore out both themselves and the tape trying to replicate HJ’s genetic gifts never achieved anywhere near the level of fitness on parade at Lifetime.
Oops! When I say “fitness on parade,” I in no way mean that the sleek (in places) women at Lifetime’s Lamar lair seek male attention. Or receive it, for that matter.
Fitness is a Serious Business!
For one thing, Lifetime issues the same warning to male members ogling females that Joe Biden gave to Iran before the Islamic Republic launched 120 ballistic missiles, 170 drones and more than 30 cruise missiles at Israel: don’t!
For another, Lifetime’s female fitness fanatics are maintaining their physiques for swipe right-born activities outside the gym. They’re about as interested in an unknown gym bro’s approach as they are in nuclear particle physics. Unless…
The man in question is a combination of romance novel cover boy and Golden Retriever. Drop-dead gorgeous and less threatening than an ice cream sandwich. Which, for some of Lifetime-loving women, is a high bar.
Not that the majority of these latter day Fabios are interested in anything other than the mirror. Or other men who look like them. For workout tips! Advice. Workout advice. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Quick Digression…
Why do all the lead pirates in Netflix’s endless Black Sails series have zero percent body fat and six pack abs?
Yes, Nassau was a haven for pirates during the Golden Age of Piracy™. But I’m pretty sure pirates didn’t drink protein shakes or tone-up at a Bahamian gym.
But don’t take my word for it.
Physical fitness for pirates and sailors of that era came from the demanding nature of their daily activities rather than structured exercise in a gym.
Sailing a ship required a great deal of physical labor, including climbing the rigging, handling sails, and maintaining the vessel, which kept those aboard in a state of constant physical activity.
Monica AI
My Fitness Goal
I’m not training for sailing (or sailing for training). My fitness goal: to not have to buy new pants. And die later rather than sooner.
I don’t think Lifetime shares the latter goal. If they did, they’d offer a lifetime Lifetime membership. Right?
What they do offer: the opportunity to speed walk on a treadmill for 30 minutes and weight lifting machines that [actual] 18th Century pirates would mistake for torture devices.
All of which I do with my eyes closed, activating the power of my subconscious mind to achieve better results.
As the Brits say, that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
Funny, you should mention the gym, basically it’s a no fly zone for normal guys. My son was telling me that if you approach a girl in the gym, you’re automatically considered a pervert. He goes to the climbing wall for exercise, or else he just goes on a run down by the creek. The weird thing is, my son is a buff firefighter, women seem to find him attractive, but he’s pretty much given up on most of the girls his age.
I've never been a body builder or even an athlete, but I've worked out at various gyms for half a century now, just to stay fit enough to enjoy hiking, bicycling, motorcycling and other active hobbies.
Four years ago the aches and pains of advancing old age were becoming a serious threat to my chosen lifestyle so I searched for a personal trainer that might be able to help. I lucked out and found a woman who is more of a physical therapist than a PT. She specializes in helping senior citizens. On my first visit, she had me go through some simple movements while she watched. From that, she drew up a map of my body that showed which muscles were overly active and which were lazy. Then she created a list of basic exercises which used no gym equipment. After just a few days of doing the exercise routine, my aches and pains were much better.
On the subject of male/female gym interactions, YouTube and other social media is full of videos and commentary on the sad state of affairs. I'm glad I'm too old to be involved in that.