No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The truth about dating?

Dozens of TikTok “dating coaches” – both male and female – have racked-up hundreds of thousands of followers and millions of likes. They offer advice to what used to be called “the lovelorn.” An enormous group of men that runs the gamut from romantically frustrated to incels (“involuntary celibates” made infamous by spree killer Elliot Rodger).

Some of the advice is purely practical: opening lines, conversational gambits, body language, grooming, appropriate attire and a LOT of guidance of how, when and what to text. The philosophy underpinning the instruction divides into two main camps.

On one side of the precoital coin, dating coaches instruct devotees to see male/female relationships in terms that wouldn’t have seemed out of place in the Eisenhower era. Women are nest builders. Men are protector providers. Done. In other words, men and women are hard-wired to follow “traditional roles”.

According to the these coaches, women are looking for “high value” alpha males. They instruct their followers in the ways of male dominance. Their dress, speech and attitude should all reflect their alpha status. They are the prize and they should bloody well act like it.

It’s about as far from politically correct as you can get without using the word “caveman” – ye olde “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” tactic.

Bottom line? Don’t be nice. “Nice” men - men who shower women with unbridled affection, kindness and help - condemn themselves to “the friend zone.” A circle of hell rivaling anything Dante could imagine. A lonely place with little to no hope of escape.

To avoid purgatory, men are exhorted to refrain from compliments. No flowers. No chasing. They should be unpredictable. Inflexible. Enigmatic. Inscrutable. They should run hot and cold. Above all, don’t be a “simp.”

That’s the label given to men who even think about worshipping a female. The coaches’ advise: just say no. Literally. “At some point in the date, use the word ‘no,’” a coach instructs. Because “No matter how beautiful she is, no woman is a ten until she proves her worth as a mate. They’re all zeros until they prove otherwise.”

This HTGL (How To Get Laid) School of Dating is based on the idea that women are driven by their emotions. They’re drama queens. “Look at women’s romantic fiction women. They want a roller coaster ride. Does he like me or doesn’t me?” So manipulate women’s emotions. Keep ‘em guessing! Make them chase you or… forget it. Move on. Go brush-up on your alpha.

There’s no hard evidence for this mindset’s success. But it’s wildly popular, finding favor on the country’s most powerful platform.

The app’s algorithm also serves-up dating coaches with an alternative approach for men who don’t want to play the game by those rules. If you’re nice and you’re not successful dating, don’t sweat it. It’s not you. It’s them.

This dissection of the lonely hearts conundrum posits that the vast majority of today’s women have wildly unrealistic expectations. They’re looking for men who are a “666.” Six feet tall with a six-figure income and a six inch penis. Which, according to oft-quoted census data, is less than one percent of men.

If you’re not in the 666 club, don’t be a simp. Let the mystery be. Don’t let rejection be your problem. It isn’t.

This reassurance relies on the assertion that modern women are convinced that being beautiful is enough. Cooking? Home-making? HA! Paying the rent/mortgage? Emotional support? That’s the man’s job.

These women? the love gurus say. Fuck ‘em! More precisely, don’t even try to fuck them. And don’t take it personally. Be the blind squirrel. You’ll find your nut eventually (so to speak).

The rent thing is a key component. The advisors advise men that higher earning women want a man who makes more money than them. The further women rise on the economic scale, the smaller their prospective dating pool, limiting dating and delaying reproduction (a theory echoed by The Wall Street Journal’s Why Americans Are Having fewer Babies).

These gurus reckon that women’s upward mobility has led to a corrosive supply and demand imbalance. Aspirational women chase the same group of men – who quickly discover they can love ‘em and leave ‘em. Which leaves women without a mate. Men who don’t qualify for the 666 protocol - nice, shorter, lower-earning, non-alpha males – are on the outside looking in. Especially on dating apps.

If you’re looking for a rational analysis of the current state of the eternal war between the sexes, don’t look at me. I’m not going to address my anatomical place in the 666 matrix, but I’m 5’10”, twice divorced and single.

I’m an elderly quasi-simp. A man who reckons it’s best to “be yourself” when it comes to dating – and suspects he’s being an idiot (which is myself). And then takes a seat among men, smokes a cigar and listens to them kvetch about women. Same as it ever was?