Killer Elephants

Teach us what it means to be stupid

It pays to specialize. That’s why I called this Substack The Truth About Everything, rather than The Truth About Life, The Universe and Everything.

A title 3/8ths owned by Douglas Adams. The 6’5” science fiction writer who dreamed-up an award called The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word 'Fuck' in a Serious Screenplay.

In UK only. In the U.S. edition of Adams’ third Hitchhiker novel, the award was renamed for underage and pearl-clutching readers. Publishers Harmony Books replaced the word “fuck” with “Belgium.”

Not that Belgians give a fuck about anything other than beer, chocolate and, according to Monica AI, “exploring international destinations.” In other words, leaving Belgium.

Although Monica cautions that “the exact numbers can vary year by year,” she assures us that tens of thousands of Belgians journey to ราชอาณาจักรไทย.

Pronounced “Ratcha-anachak Thai.” Which I renamed Hot-Cha-Cha-Cha, after watching a Thai entertainer perforate balloons with vagina-launched darts.

Anyway, what kind of world would we live in if the Belgium to Thailand tourist numbers didn’t vary? A world run by Germans? More to the point of this post, no one knows how many Belgians were killed by elephants in Thailand.

What we do know: an elephant unalived a comely 22-year-old law and international relations student at the University of Navarra in Spain named Blanca Ojanguren García. (Ms. Garcia not the University, killed in Thailand not Spain.)

Ms. Garcia’s middle name is Basque for “belonging to the valley or river.” Unfortunately, she met her end in the Andaman Sea.

According to nypost.com, Ms. Garcia “was bathing an elephant at Koh Yao Elephant Care on Yao Yai Island on Friday when the 50-year-old animal struck her down with its trunk.”

“Struck her down” sounds Biblical. Good atheist that I am, I reckon it’s unfair to blame Sky Daddy for the pachydermicide. We don’t know exactly how Ms. Garcia met her not-so-gory demise.

Initial reports claimed the female elephant had gored García with one of its tusks. However, Spanish news outlet EFE reported that was not the case.

Elephant Tourism

The practice of charging tourists to clean elephants is big business in Southeast Asia. Thai tourist facilities alone hold some 2800 elephants captive.

Safety first? Hardly. The Post reports that “there have been some 240 fatal incidents involving the typically gentle giants in the last 12 years, including 39 last year.”

Siri reckons that 39 human deaths per 2800 elephants yields a less-than-elephantine 1.4 percent annual chance of death-by-elephant.

The Post article and AI are silent on the percentage of elephant-related fatalities involving tourists (never mind Belgian tourists).

Even so, I wonder if the ladies above would’ve been so enamored/cavalier if they knew what the elephant might have been thinking.

Murder One?

As you may know, elephants have a memory like an elephant. They can remember locations, individuals and experiences. And that’s not all.

Elephants recognize languages, use tools, understand body language, show empathy, mourn their dead and mimic human voices (though not Keith Morrison).

These capabilities raise the possibility that killer elephants are guilty of Murder One, requiring malice of forethought.

Perhaps homicidal pachyderms are angry at their keepers for withholding the animals’ share of tourists’ Bahts. More likely, they’re responding to abuse.

The Truth About Elephant Riding makes no bones about the cruelty that transforms these “typically gentle giants” into tourist attractions.

Breeding elephants in captivity is notoriously difficult and requires very high standards of welfare. In Vietnam, no elephant has successfully been born in captivity for 40 years.

So in reality, the vast majority of elephants providing rides for tourists have been poached from the wild…

In order to make elephants compliant, they must fear humans. This is typically done in a process known as a “crush”. Young elephants are tied up and savagely beaten by groups of captors until their spirit is broken.

Elephants have long memories and this barbaric abuse is usually sufficient to ensure they remain petrified of their captors for the rest of their lives.

Petrified until they’re pissed-off enough not to give a fuck?

That’s my take. Which raises a more general problem: humans with a Darwin Award-courting tendency to ignore the fact that animals are inherently dangerous.

Not just killer whales in aquariums, zoo tigers and free-roaming bison and bears. ("I thought he wanted to be friends," the victim's friend said.) Man’s Best Friend™, too.

Despite 30k years of “domestication,” our canine companions bite more than 4.5m Americans (and 6k Belgians) each year. Around 800k stateside victims receive medical attention. Some 20k require reconstructive surgery. About 30 to 50 people die.

My Spirit Animal

Wild elephants are graceful AF. Nicole Brown’s Akita aside, dogs are ideal personal protection.

But I’ve read enough about killer elephants and seen enough “he’s just being friendly” dogs to know it’s best to watch animals from a safe distance. Or kill them from a safe distance and eat them.

For your own and the elephants’ sake, please, stay off. And if you’re going to Belgium, don’t encourage the magnificent animals’ capture and exploitation by visiting any of the three zoos with elephants in their “collection.”

Your time is better spent escaping the nation’s notoriously gloomy weather in a cafe, dipping fristen (French fries) in mayonnaise. A Belgian speciality.