Cats Are Dangerous

In case you didn't know

Adorable kitten survives 250-mile trip from Boston to New Jersey — while stuck inside BMW

The nypost.com headline reminded me of a childhood trip from New Hampshire’s ski slopes to my Rhode Island home.

I was stuck inside an early 5-Series BMW with a middle-aged man who wouldn’t stop talking about middle-aged crap. Or drive one mile-per-hour over the let’s-get-out-and-push 55-mph speed limit.

The word interminable doesn’t quite cover it. If Jean-Paul Sartre was right – “Hell is other people” – the slow-rolling family friend was the pronouncement’s poster boy.

Cats are notorious for not giving a shit what humans say. That’s why I love them! They have their own lives. When they pay attention to me, I’m grateful. Says every cat fancier ever.

My perspective: the BMW driver should be grateful the cat spent the journey “while trapped in the undercarriage” rather than inside the vehicle. Or vice versa, if the driver was as insufferable as the speed demon who gave me a lift.

Hello Kitty

In case you missed it, I consider “domesticated” cats dangerous animals.

I’ve got plenty of evidence to back up my firmly held belief that inviting a cat into your life is like betting the IRS won’t be bothered by dodgy deductions. How about 'Angry' Cat Attacks Pilot, Forcing Plane to Make Emergency Landing?

While not all domesticated cats are international terrorists, more than a few sink their teeth into human flesh. healthline.com reports that domesticated cats bite roughly 400k Americans per year, with a “significant portion” requiring medical attention.

Cat Scratch Fever

That stat doesn’t include scratches or, as a girlfriend called the line running the length of her arm, “catastrophe.” It could have been worse.

Ted Nugent knows the score. Ted Nugent wrote the score. His song Cat Scratch Fever accurately reflects the most likely victim of cat attacks: children.

Well, the first time that I got it I was just ten years old
I got it from some kitty next door
An' I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure
I think I got it some more

OK, sure, Ted was using the term as a metaphor for lust. If so, Ted’s doctor’s treatment sounds like a felony. Anyway, cat scratch fever is a real thing.

Don’t Cry For Me Bartonella

The truth is, around 50 percent of the time a cat bites a human, the feline injects Bartonella henselae into the victim’s bloodstream. The infection leads to fever, fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite and muscle pain.

Alternatively, Muggles may introduce its victim’s chemistry to Pasteurella multocida. A bad boy bacterium that does pretty much the same thing, with the notable exception of putting the host at risk of respiratory failure.

If “not treated right away” with antibiotics, a cat bite victim can develop encephalopathy (brain disease), osteomyelitis (bone disease) and/or sepsis (internal inflammation). Leave it long enough and amputation and death are on the menu.

Did I forget to mention the danger of rabid cats? A “special concern” for anyone who has an outside cat – roughly half of all American cat owners.

The Causes of Cat Attacks

petmd.com tells us that cats often attack humans out of fear. Cat defenders say “Well then! Don’t frighten the dear little thing!” Uh…

Fear aggression is triggered by a cat who perceives a threat that he or she cannot escape. This can be a learned behavior based on past experience, and you may not be entirely sure exactly what the cat is fearful of.

How helpful is that?

Not as helpful as knowing that cats also attack because of medical, territorial and status issues, petting and my favorite, redirected aggression. “One of the most unpredictable and dangerous types of feline aggression.”

In these cases, a cat is in a hyper-aroused state by some sort of external stimulus— an animal outside, squirrels running by that he can’t chase, a frightening noise or smell. In your blameless state, you walk by and wind up on the receiving end of this pent-up outburst, seemingly out of nowhere.

Translation? A cat may attack for no reason at all. Other than the fact that they’re predators. The evolutionary descendent of animals who considered our ancestors food.

A Happy Ending?

Despite this ignoble historical relationship, we live in a world prone to pro-cat propaganda.

It’s no surprise that The New York Post focused on the taxpayer money spent rescuing the cute-as-a-button stowaway from the BMW’s bits. The awwww of it all.

The sweet-faced, black-and-white kitten, who had likely slipped into the vehicle’s body to stay warm, refused to come out despite hours of effort from firefighters,” said Whitney Malin, a local animal rescuer who helped the Rothsteins save the feline.

“I had tuna and bacon and was playing YouTube videos of kittens crying, which usually works,” Malin said. “It was three hours of me lying under the car and the fire department trying — and it didn’t work.”

Malin returned the next day armed with “a ton of pre-cooked bacon” to lure the feisty feline into a humane animal trap.”

Feisty. In the same way that Mike Tyson was “plucky” in the ring.

Malin told the Post that the rescued cat was “all hissy — but turns out she is super sweet.”

Hissy. In the same way that Mike Tyson told Lennox Lewis “I’ll eat your children” at a pre-fight press conference.

You’ve Been Warned

Animals Are Dangerous understands the appeal of owning dangerous animals. Tiger King wouldn’t have been half as much fun without tigers.

But the fact remains that cats are killers. The major blessing: the ones we call ours are less deadly than the ones that eat us. At least while we’re alive.